Delmon’s Diet and My Off-Season Hangover
The signing of Delmon Young on a $750,000, one-year contract just got weirder, if that is possible. An initial look at Young’s problems included a 2012 arrest for a brawl involving Anti-Semitic remarks, the pummeling of a minor league umpire with his bat, terrible defense and an inconsistent bat. Let us now add to that list two items: Young’s weight and dog poop.
Yes, dog poop. Apparently, part of his community service for the 2012 arrest includes cleaning up doo-doo at a community park. Also of note, Young does not like soupy poop:
“I didn’t like cleaning up dog poop,” Young said inside the Phillies clubhouse. “It was a dog park and people don’t clean up after their dogs sometimes and we’re left to. A lot of times, I just stared at it, because it was too soupy. But that put some perspective on things, too.”
This is a man who has actually spent time staring at dog poop. Now let that sink in for a moment and see the picture develop in your brain…
While that thought marinates and comes to a slow, sad simmer, let us examine the next oddity in this signing. Young’s contract has been set up so that he can earn an additional $2.75 million in bonuses. $600,000 of that involves him getting on a scale and meeting a goal weight.
Young will receive $100,000 each time he makes weight. If someone offered me that deal, I would be anorexic by now.
That aside, I am actually beginning to feel sorry for this guy. Think about the endless jokes we can all make about this. Then picture Young walking sadly past a box of donuts in the clubhouse, carrying a poop scoop on his way to the dog park, while singing a melancholy version of Hava Nagila and wearing an “I Love Umpires” pin on his lapel. I don’t know about you, but I am really depressed now.
In fact, this entire off-season has seemed like a long, tortuous, binge-induced hangover. Seriously, my head hurts. All these strange and questionable roster moves, the thought of poor Domonic Brown sulking over the Phillies apparent disinterest towards him, the looming injury questions, Chooch cheating…all this and more is making slightly insane.
Is it Spring Training yet? If I am going to be tortured by all these uncertainties, at least once the season begins, I will get a bigger glimpse of what is to come. In the meantime, pass the donuts.
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Photoshopping by Jenn Zambri Photography